Me: I don’t really think I’m a people pleaser, but I am learning to set better boundaries.
Also Me: Yes, I can do that instantly, rearrange my day for you, and don’t mind how much you’re putting on me, I just want you to be okay.
Me later on: I can’t believe they did that, I shouldn’t have said yes, I wish I’d spent my time on this instead.

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to requests when every fibre of your being wanted to say “no”? Do you often prioritise others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict or disappointment? If so, you might be a people pleaser. While this trait can stem from a place of kindness and a desire to make others happy, it can also lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of your own identity.

How I Realised I Am People Pleasing.

I always thought that as I don’t avoid conflict and I’m always willing to be honest and share hard truths with others, that I couldn’t be a people pleaser. However, I have lost count of the times I have done something I didn’t want to do just to make someone’s life easier, even though it inconveniences me.

I’m the ‘go-to’ friend for offloading because I care and genuinely want to hold space for people. However, when I had a life coach, she made me think about where my time went and why I felt so exhausted despite not feeling I was getting anything done. I realised that while I was there for everyone, I wasn’t necessarily a better friend than if I had spent a little less time, and allowed myself to have what I needed too. My relationships are so much better for realising this, but I often slip back into my natural tendencies so need to stay aware of it.

I’ve always been outspoken in work, never afraid to put myself forward, or ask for a promotion or payrise. However, I’ve always been the hardest worker, constantly trying to prove myself, studying to gain qualifications in everything I pursue, and giving my all to everything and everyone at the detriment of myself. I just saw this as a great work ethic, but I now realise that I was seeking some sort of validation. Why? I still believe in hard work, but this level of self-sacrifice doesn’t get me any further than others who don’t give quite as much, and leads to burnout – which takes a LOT of recovery!

I was listening to a podcast recently by the lovely Kat Horrocks about what people pleasing can cost you and it really made me rethink some of the things I thought of as purely kindness. I was actually temporarily giving joy to others, but it often led to resentment, and I realised even more that I’m over-giving and accommodating for fear of upsetting others. It doesn’t serve me, as it means that I’m not able to have the impact that I want in the world, because I’m not putting myself first. This will benefit myself, but also my loved ones as they will be getting a more authentic, joyful version of me. But it’s so difficult to find the boundary balance when you’ve been a chronic people pleaser your whole life.

I’m on a mission to undo this mindset completely rather than flip-flopping from people pleasing to strong boundaries. I have been part of a group coaching programme with Kat this year at ‘Put Yourself First‘, but I’m still working on this so decided to look into it further and find some tips on how to stop people pleasing once and for all.

Signs That You Might Be a People Pleaser

1. Difficulty Saying No: You find it almost impossible to decline requests, even when they inconvenience you.
2. Constant Approval-Seeking: You need validation and approval from others to feel good about yourself. Good girl in school, good for friends, pressure for excellence at work (from yourself only!).
3. Avoidance of Conflict: You go out of your way to avoid disagreements, often at your own expense.
4. Overcommitment: You frequently take on more than you can handle because you don’t want to let anyone down.
5. Neglecting Your Own Needs: Your needs and desires often take a back seat to those of others.
6. Feeling Guilty: You feel guilty when you do manage to prioritise your own needs.

The Benefits and Disadvantages of People Pleasing

When we operate from fear, it is always because there is some sort of benefit, whether direct or not. Our minds protect us from the uncomfortable feeling we might get going against our inner selves, but it’s important to understand the perceived benefits and disadvantages of our actions.

Benefits:

• Stronger Relationships: Initially, people may appreciate your willingness to help and your accommodating nature.
• Conflict Avoidance: Keeping the peace can result in fewer immediate conflicts and smoother interactions.
• Positive Reinforcement: Receiving praise and gratitude from others can boost your self-esteem in the short term.

Disadvantages:

• Burnout: Constantly putting others first can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
• Resentment: Over time, you may start to feel taken advantage of or unappreciated, leading to resentment.
• Loss of Identity: Neglecting your own needs and desires can cause you to lose sight of who you are and what you want.
• Ineffective Relationships: Genuine connections require authenticity, and people-pleasing can create superficial relationships.

The Path to a Balanced Life

Setting boundaries and moving away from people-pleasing behaviours can feel uncomfortable at first, but the long-term benefits are worth it. You’ll experience a greater sense of self-worth, more authentic relationships, and improved overall wellbeing. Remember (reminder to myself also!), it’s not about becoming selfish; it’s about creating a balance where your needs are just as important as those of others.

Do you have people pleasing tendencies? What can you do to take a small step to claiming back your time and energy?