I think everyone has those defining years in their lives that change everything and 2019 certainly seems like one for me. Bit of a diary post, but I know we’re a nosy lot, and I want to look back on this and see how my life has changed in the future.
In the short 7 months of 2019 so far, I have got a new job, ended an almost ten year relationship, have a new home. My close Aunt has had cancer, and is doing amazingly, and I had a scare that was thankfully cysts, which I wrote about here. I ended a long-term, close friendship, and have had a wake up call when it comes to money that made me change the way I live. However, the main difference has been my mindset. While I was always positive, I think sometimes it was possible delusion, and I have been working on changing the way I think, how I react to things, and more importantly, how I respond to others.
It’s easy to have people around you that unknowingly bring you down. It might not be on purpose, but you really are who you surround yourself with and I decided I wanted to be around some more positive influences, people with more in common with me, and people who will encourage me to be better. It can be daunting to hang around with people who are doing better than you somehow, have great advice, are better at managing money, and more, but they’re the ones that will motivate you to be your best.
I quit my job before this one, which was a mutual ending of sorts. It wasn’t a sensible move. I had no job to go to. I had no savings. I just had to if I was to keep any respect for myself and my time. It seemed worth it to me, until I got a couple of months down the line without a job or savings. I probably wouldn’t advise this without clear plans, but it showed me that all my bright ideas wouldn’t come to fruition without focused goals and a lot of work.
I love my new job! I love the place, I love the vision they have and I love what I will get out of being there. I’m excited each day to get up and get in. I’m still a bit fresh at 4 months so we’ll see how that goes! It’s difficult. More difficult than I anticipated. Yet I’m excited by it. Without quitting the previous job, I wouldn’t have known how important it is to find something that fits with my own ideas and goals. It’s not about money like it used to be, it’s about me building something and becoming better at my job, while making sure I look after my own wellbeing.
My relationship was difficult to say the least, but it was still amazing and beautiful to me. I loved and still love the person I was with, but we were at a standstill and couldn’t work out a way past that. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. What I’ve realised now is that I feel quite lost, because I don’t think I focused on myself enough, and I’ve forgotten what I wanted outside of a partnership. I feel okay, and even happy with everything else in my life at the moment – something definitely needed to change before, and that was it unfortunately.
As bittersweet as my nice life is now, I have realised a lot about myself after going through this big breakup, and I can see the error of my own ways when I have nobody else to look to for answers or even blame. It wasn’t a mutual breakup, but I now realise it should have been because I was waiting for the potential relationship I could see rather than living it.
The friendship I ended? I realised it wasn’t serving me. Not in a way that my friends must have uses, but it was a relationship that was draining me. I would be excited for/dreading spending time together. The person was somebody that I loved, but made me feel bad about myself constantly, and that’s not something you need. It’s weird how some people can have you questioning yourself, and in order to tackle that, I’d end up feeling defensive around them. Who wants that in a friend?
With all that’s gone on in the last few months, I really know who my true friends are. They all hopefully know who they are, but over the years I’ve been lucky enough to meet and stay in touch with the best people. Some I speak to almost daily, some I haven’t spoken to for over a year, but I know I can always count on them and I’m just so grateful I have them in my life. Also, I’m clearly good at choosing people usually!
This goes for my family as well, obviously! In case any of them happen to read this!
My home isn’t quite decorated or made ‘my own’ yet, but it is nice having so much spare time at home when I’m here. I relax completely, something I haven’t done in a long time. I was never restricted in my old home, but living alone compared with living with someone is so different. If I don’t fancy dinner, I don’t bother, or have something easy. If I’m going out, I don’t try and balance it with company at home. Mostly, I don’t feel responsible for making sure anyone else is okay. Except Luna Cat of course! Plus, it’s so tidy!
I think this year is pivotal for me in the way I handle finances, the way I see relationships, and how I view and care for myself. I want to level up in every category and I might have started with some small steps, but I want to go bigger now.
Today, I’m going to be writing my goals, for myself. I’m going to make sure that I work towards everything I want, rather than floundering from one crazy situation to the next. Anything that fits around me doing that is welcome in my life. And anything that puts a roadblock on it, or holds me back in any way, is unfortunately going to have to go.
Have you had any pivotal years or moments that changed the way you live?