I’m thirty one tomorrow, and have had quite a reflective start to the year, especially this week.
Despite my age, I am not quite ready to do the things that many other thirty somethings think about, such as settle down, have children, or anything I associate with being older. I’m also not really young, in the way that I have different interests and priorities than I did even last year. Anybody else thinking Britney ‘Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman’? I’m cringing at how relatable that song is right now!
Where has the time gone?
My attempt at a related picture! I have a watch on?
I’ve thought about this for a while, and feel I’ve been in some kind of limbo for a few years now.
While I still feel young, and I don’t care about my age usually, it will always be a bit scary to think about how another year has passed. Last year was very much a combination of needing to do some growing up, making the hardest decisions, and not really moving forward until the back end of the year. I feel like I lost a lot of my time and I don’t want to feel like that for another year. I feel like I need to make the most of being this young, and having such freedom, and while I have done in ways of enjoying life in general and spending time having fun, I want to get a bit more serious in certain aspects of my life. I wish I’d had these realisations earlier, because I do feel I’ve wasted some time not knowing what to do, but I guess that’s why I feel the way I do now, and am more determined to make the most of things.
I feel like I need to start embracing being a bit older, and allow myself the luxury of growing up. I don’t take myself seriously enough, and I’ve noticed it reflected in the way others see me too. Because I’m one of those forever young types, I think it comes across in the way that I am. Which is fine, I don’t mind being seen as young, but I think I have to stop pretending I’m the same person as I was ten years ago.
When I look back over the last few years, aside from things like work, and our flat, I wonder what’s changed. Why haven’t I done more? Why have I still not got my shit together? Why have I only bought one place – seriously, this runs through my mind like it’s not enough! I don’t think it’ll ever be enough, but I think I slacked too much over the years and it’s getting to me. I’ve been drifting along, from one week to the next, one month to the next, and I don’t want that to happen for years.
This has been quite a ramble so far, but I’m hoping it makes sense on some level.
Basically, I’m having an existential crisis and I’m not sure how to handle it! I’ve been struggling to see what the point of it all is, and how living the way I do has been pointless. And maybe if I do anything more, it will still be pointless and I should just not bother. Oh to be in my mind right now! Questioning your reason for being here is a dangerous path to go down. Because there is a point, and I don’t think we’re supposed to know it! That’s what makes life so interesting.
My main worry is that I’ll wake up in ten years time and be in the exact same position. Even though I know that’s unlikely, and a lot has changed in the last ten, I can’t shake the idea that I might ‘waste’ more time. There is so much to do and see and I’m wondering how to fit it all in! I have so many plans for this year alone, it’s almost as if I’m overloading myself with things to make up for this feeling. I guess what we really should when feeling this way is prioritise rather than panic.
Age really is just a number if you don’t let it define you. We’re lucky now that we have a chance to change our paths at any point. And as we get older and embrace grey hairs and lines on our faces, we should be able to look back and to have at least learned something new about ourselves and the world. I need to remember that no time has been wasted, it’s just been building up to now.
Do you worry about getting older, or not doing enough with your time here? Have you had your own existential crisis? What did you do to feel better?