Something I struggle with online is personal writing. I’m really open online about my opinions, give my thoughts on anything and everything, and am even quite controversial, but when it comes to writing about myself, I become a bit too aware and it ends up becoming impersonal again. I revert back to talking about situations as if I haven’t just experienced them myself.
It’s so difficult to include every part of myself on a website, and some is reserved for offline, but I think if I want this blog to be a place that I can be proud of, I have to get more honest online. On social media, I am honest and open, but writing a whole post about myself always makes me feel a bit narcissitic. Why do people care? Why would they want to read about me? And the truth is, maybe some people don’t, but I think it’s important that whatever you read, you know there is a real person behind it. I’m sure that’s clear on my blog, by the way, but I mean I want to share more of the real me.
Some could argue that having a blog in the first place is a bit attention-seeking, but having a place to put all your thoughts and ideas is great, so if people can’t see that, why am I so bothered about what I put and what they might think if they come across it?
I always think doing a tag post (answering questions) lets people in a bit, but that’s surface personality, and while it’s a fun way to learn people’s quirks, it only shows a little bit about me. I didn’t really realise I was closed off on the blog, but looking over my posts, I can see that almost all of them are written as if I’m writing for someone else. I am, to an extent. I write for anyone that follows me, but I have to do some free writing too. Not writing for an audience, but writing just because. I don’t want to look over my blog in a few years time and only see the superficial happenings in my life or my thoughts on some current events.
That’s not to say I’m going to write every piece of my life online. Oversharer, I am not! However, I want my blog to be a sort of memoir. Not what I liked and disliked back in 2015, but what I was going through, what my life was like. It’ll save trying to write it all or remember it in my later years!
A lot of big changes have happened in the last few years, and the main one I’ve written about on here is just that I moved to Leeds. That was quite a change for this small town Welsh girl, but really small in the grand scheme of things. I have done so much more than that, and been through so much more.
A lot of the reason I have kept quiet on the more personal side of things is because my blog was a secret for so long. If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably didn’t know what I looked like for ages. That is, until I bravely put up the picture in the side bar and about me page – eek! It took me two years to show myself!
Another factor stopping me from doing personal writing is that I don’t like to include other people in my life in my posts, as it’s my choice to be online, not theirs so I end up talking cryptically about things I do.
I’m also worried that if I show someone I know and have written something personal, that they’ll somehow judge it or be offended by it, or I’ll just cringe the whole time. I don’t know why my mind works this way!
However, as I embrace the fact that I have a blog more, and don’t think of it as some massive secret, I think it will get easier for me to share things with you. The blog is no longer some big secret that only my boyfriend knows about, it’s something I will openly talk about. I’m still not sure about sharing on Facebook though!
For some reason, I find having a blog embarrassing sometimes. Mostly to people who just don’t get it. When people ask why, I have no answer except ‘I like to write shit, and I like knowing what others think’. That’s a fine explanation I’m sure, but it does cause an internal cringe each time someone asks. I’m not sure why I’m so embarrassed. Every person I know in real life that I’ve shown has liked it. (I don’t think they’re lying!). As of 2013, there were approximately 152 million blogs in the world, so I’m not sure why I think of mine as some special little site that people will go to read every post and judge every word.
I guess confidence has a lot to do with it. As I haven’t been writing properly (gotta miss uni!) for a few years, I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how. My thoughts are not those of a literary genius, but more the ramblings of someone on a keyboard bashing session, writing each thought that pops into my head. My posts are to the point, eloquent if you will, but far from poetic.
This is probably a bit of ramble too, but hopefully I’ve made some sort of point! Thanks for reading if you made it this far! It means a lot that I have so many amazing followers. I hope I don’t lose you when I decide to create a more honest, open platform. I will still have more of the same, but hopefully I’ll add something else to it by being more open with you.
For the people who can see my personality throughout despite all of this, thank you for getting it. Thank you for picking up on my sarcasm, even though it really should be pointed out sometimes. Thank you for regularly reading. Thank you for giving me a reason to keep writing publicly.